Is it my fault that I keep choosing the wrong people?

It's Sunday night. Another weekend spent on your own, while everyone around you seems to have someone. I used to really dislike Sundays.

Your mind goes, as it always does eventually,  into that topic. You're not sure why your last relationship blew up. Or why you always seem to want someone more than they want you.

Or the opposite: why does anyone who get too close suddenly feel unbearable. “Where did all the normal people go?” - you ask.  

I've been in this situation for about 10 years. And what changed everything for me wasn't a dating app algorithm or learning about my attachment style that got so over-popularised.

Keep reading as I explain this further.

What is an attachment style, and why did it become so popular?

Back in the 1950s, a British psychiatrist named John Bowlby started noticing something nobody had put into words before: the way we bond with our earliest caregivers becomes a kind of emotional blueprint. It shapes how we expect love to feel. How safe we think intimacy is? Whether the connection feels like home, or like chaos.

Decades later, that research made its way into adult relationships. And it turns out we don't leave those blueprints at childhood's door. We carry them right into every relationship we ever have. Unless, of course, we work on it.

So there are three main attachment styles:

Secure:

You feel comfortable being close to someone and comfortable with your own space. Love doesn't feel like a test you might fail.

Anxious:

You crave closeness deeply, but you're always a little braced for the moment it gets taken away. You read into silences. You need reassurance, a lot of it, and feel guilty for needing it.

Avoidant:

Intimacy makes you want to bolt. Not because you don't feel emotion, oh no.  You feel plenty. But closeness triggers something that reads as danger, and your instinct is to pull back before anyone pulls away from you first.

Nowadays, there is also an Anxiously Avoidant style, a mix between the two:

The anxious person craves closeness, which triggers the avoidant partner to pull away, which in turn intensifies the anxious partner's panic, a painful loop that many couples know all too well.

Where does common advice fall short?

The common advice on attachment theory, most famously from the book Attached, tells you to identify your style, find a secure partner and communicate your needs. 

And while that's a kind starting point, it has a fundamental flaw: it places the responsibility for your healing and happiness on someone else.

If your attachment wound makes you need twenty texts a day to feel loved, a secure partner might send texts without drama, but the wound remains exactly where it was. However, you risk losing that healthy partner, because they might realise that you still need a lot of healing to do, hence you are not what they are looking for long term.

What actually worked for me?

I was a serial dater. But I was very insecure in relationships. I was constantly checking my phone, thinking about the guy I was dating and hoping this time things would work out.

But they didn’t. Even though I was lucky to meet truly wonderful and understanding men, I would eventually scare them away.

Until I have done an enormous amount of work on myself.

I had to understand why the anxiety was there in the first place, resolve it and learn to meet enough of my own emotional needs so love and relationships could finally feel like a choice, not a salvation.

It is crucial to address the part of you that believes love is conditional, or suffocating, or always about to disappear. And you have to work on your own relationship with yourself.

Coaching has literally transformed who I am for the better, forever.

When you start to feel secure about yourself and love in general, not because your partner texts back in under three minutes, but because you've built a relationship with your own emotions, then and only then something shifts -

You stop needing someone to report to you. 

You stop feeling upset every time they want an evening alone. 

You start trusting that love doesn't have to be earned every single day from scratch.

What we all need in a partner is beautifully simple: someone who loves us and can show it. Someone supportive, caring, present, while still being their own person. Someone who lets us be ours. A relationship rooted in mutual respect, genuine affection, and the grace to let each other be individuals, together.

That's the whole thing.

And that security is a skill, not a personality trait

So the next time you're sitting alone on a Sunday night, wondering why it never quite works, maybe the question isn't, "Why do I keep attracting the wrong people?" Maybe it's: what would it feel like to stop needing the right person to make me feel good?

That's where it begins.

Not with them. 

With you!

In my “Love Made Easy” Online Coaching Program, we make love life fun and enjoyable again!

With love & solidarity,

Jelena

"Your character is your limitation (wait, what?)"

My close friend Ksenia gave me an amazing compliment. She said I'm "like an open book written in an unknown language."

I laughed, of course. I knew exactly what she meant.

Even when she thinks she knows me well, I surprise her in ways she doesn't expect. I'm unpredictable. And that I am.

For example: I hate violence, avoid movies that show it, and yet one of my favorite games is Mortal Kombat. (I have no problem kicking ass as Noob Saibot, thank you very much.)

I'm deeply social and love being around people, yet the idea of going to a pub with coworkers on a Friday just to sit for hours? Draining.

The list of my seemingly opposite preferences is long for me.

This contradiction brings me to something I heard years ago that shifted how I see personal growth:

Your character is your limitation.

I know, I know. We all grew up hearing that having a strong character is a virtue. That not having one makes you a 🐈. I wanted an explanation too!

So where does this idea come from?

This principle is borrowed from cybernetics and systems theory, which states: The element with the greatest flexibility controls the system.

In simpler terms? Whoever has more behavioral flexibility has more influence and more success.

But what does this have to do with character?

I like to think of character the way Lao Tzu did:

"Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

This beautifully describes how thinking the same thoughts makes you act the same way (habit), and how that creates certain inflexibility (character) that, in turn, creates your results in life.

In practice you say things like:

• "I can't just leave, I'm not that kind of person." (Anxious Attachment)

• "I can't speak up, I'm too shy." (Self-Doubt)

• "I can’t just say No. That’s rude" (People Pleasing)

Every "excuse" is a signal of lost flexibility. A fixation on a set character.

Think about it:

In relationships, the partner who can regulate their nervous system, shift perspective, soften their stance, and adjust their communication style will influence the dynamic more than the partner who clings to being right.

In leadership, the manager who can move fluidly between firmness and empathy, structure and openness, will outperform the one who hides behind a strictly defined character.

In life, the person who can adapt their response by having control of it, rather than defaulting to the same pattern every time, has more freedom and hence options.

A strong character may look impressive from the outside.

But true strength is the ability to choose your response.

True power is having a wide range of behaviors available to you and the ability to select the right one for the moment.

The role of therapy or coaching, then, is not to change who you are.

It's to increase your range.

To widen your behavioral options.

To enrich you.

To help you outgrow old strategies that no longer serve the life you want to build.

And I’ll leave you with these two questions:

What are the things you feel most inflexible about?

What results does that inflexibility bring into your life?

With Love & Solidarity,

Jelena

www.coachingwithjelena.com

“Foundations of anxiety, self-doubt, and modern human suffering”

Remember, the brain's only job is to keep you alive, happy or not, is irrelevant for the brain.

If you are a human on this planet, chances are that you know very well what anxiety, self-doubt, and overthinking feel like. And If you’ve ever thought, “Logically, I know everything is fine… so why do I feel this way?” - this article is for you.

Anxiety, overthinking, self-doubt, and impostor syndrome are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are signs that your brain is doing exactly what it evolved to do - just in a world it was not originally designed for.

Let’s talk about negativity bias, where it comes from, and why real change requires more than understanding.

Why anxiety feels real when nothing is wrong?

To answer this highly popular question, let me introduce the brain’s Negativity Bias. Negativity Bias is our brain’s tendency to:

• Notice negative information faster

• Remember it longer

• Give it more emotional weight than neutral or positive information.

Sounds kinda daunting, right? But let me explain what’s behind it according to evolutionary neuroscience.

For ~200,000 years, the human brain evolved in environments where:

• Missing a real threat = death

• Being exiled from the tribe = death

• Being in a new environment = high chances of death

So the brain learned a simple rule:

“It’s better to assume danger and be wrong than to assume safety and be dead.”

This is why:

One criticism outweighs ten compliments

One awkward interaction replays all night

One uncertainty triggers anxiety, even when life is objectively okay

In simple terms, we can look at it in the following way:

Your brain is not asking: “Is this likely?”. It’s asking: “Could this hurt me?”

The brain structure involved in this process, called the amygdala, scans and reacts to rejection, uncertainty, social tension, loss of control, conflict, and challenging conversations as if they were a threat to your physical well-being. Because a looong time ago, that meant being exiled from your tribe and potentially being eaten.

Remember, the brain's only job is to keep you alive, happy or not, is irrelevant for the brain.

This is why anxiety appears without logic.

Then we also have the hippocampus responsible for memory + pattern storage and it stores emotionally charged memories. Negative experiences get encoded faster and deeper. This explains why one painful breakup can shape relationship beliefs for decades.

And of course, let’s not forget about the Prefrontal cortex (PFC) responsible for reasoning & regulation. The caveat with this guy, though, is that it switches on in a calm state, but under stress, the PFC goes partially offline.

This is why telling yourself to “calm down” when you have anxiety doesn’t work.

You may think, “Modern threats are rarely physical.” True. But your nervous system is still hardwired to see the above as real danger.

Conflict with someone turns into “They do not like me anymore, which means, I will be isolated, being isolated means danger, and that I will be eaten by a lion”.

As silly as this sounds, this is very close to what the biased brain that evolved through thousands of years of literally surviving actually thinks.

So it releases: adrenaline & cortisol, and as a result, you feel anxiety, rumination, overthinking or hypervigilance.

Where Therapy Often Ends and Coaching Begins

Therapy is invaluable. Especially for trauma processing, safety, and healing the past.

But many people reach a point where they say:

“I understand why I’m like this.”

“I’ve processed my childhood.”

“I know this isn’t rational.”

And yet…

Their body still reacts.

This is because insight doesn’t automatically rewire the nervous system.

Knowing why you’re anxious doesn’t teach your system what safety feels like now.

Coaching works in the present-moment loop where patterns actually run.

It helps you:

• Notice beliefs as they activate in real time

• Interrupt the stress response before it hijacks your day

• Rebuild trust between your mind and body

• Practice regulation while living your real life

This is how rewiring happens. And that’s exactly where coaching lives.

With Love & Solidarity,

Jelena

“This is just how life is” is rarely a fact.

“Normal” isn’t reality - it’s conditioning.

“This is just how life is” is rarely a fact.

More often, it’s a belief we absorbed from an environment that didn’t have the capacity for more. At some point, “being realistic” quietly became a very polite form of self-betrayal.

When struggle is normalised around you, i.e., being underpaid, overworked & quietly resentful, dreaming bigger starts to feel irresponsible. Naive. Delusional. Even selfish.

So you become practical.

Lower expectations.

Learn to want less.

All because that’s what feels… ahem…normal.

And yet “normal” isn’t reality - it’s conditioning. I cannot stress this point enough!

This is why doing something outside of your norm often comes with discomfort. You feel like an impostor. Like you are not supposed to be doing this.

Your nervous system is wired to protect what feels familiar, not what’s objectively safe or good for you.

When you move outside that familiarity, your body can interpret change as a threat, activating stress responses such as adrenaline and cortisol.

This response, primarily, is generated by your thoughts. There is a conflict between what you were told is possible and what you want to be possible.

That’s why change often feels very uncomfortable before it feels empowering. And this is why having someone who can help you go through this discomfort is so important.

Once you begin to notice the beliefs underlying your behavior, you regain choice. And choice is where real change happens.

Not overnight, of course. And not through motivation alone. But through awareness, honesty, and learning to lead your life by leading your thoughts.

So I’m curious:

What’s one belief about life, your abilities, or success that you’ve never actually questioned?

With love & solidarity,

Jelena | Your Coach

P.S. If your first reaction was “blah blah self-work again,” that reaction might be worth getting curious about ;)

Before the year ends… a short note

Photo: My dad & I

It’s that time of the year again…

The streets are glistening with lights, the air smells like pine and mulled wine, Mariah Carey is doing her annual service to humanity and whether you’re officially working or not, deadlines feel less important.

It’s also the season when every second post invites you to reflect on the year and plan how to do next year better, faster, wiser.

I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I want to share a small piece of what this time means to me.

I’ve always loved Christmas, even though I’m not religious in the traditional sense. I love the stillness of the night on the 24th, how the world seems to pause. When I lived in Dublin, I remember gathering on Grafton Street for a not-so-secret mini concert with the biggest voices like Bono, Glen Hansard, Damien Rice, all singing together before everyone rushed home, knowing public transport would stop for the next 48 hours.

And yet, this time is also bittersweet for me.

I lost my mum just after Christmas in 2023-2024, and this season makes me miss her deeply. So every year, I fly home to spend a few quiet weeks with my dad. To be grateful for another chance to sit together. To remember where I come from. To feel how magical my life has turned out to be despite it all.

I slow down.
I read the books my father reads.
I read the books my mother once loved.
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.
I focus on gratitude, kindness, and connection.

That’s what restores me.

So whatever this season looks like for you - joyful, quiet, overwhelming- I hope you are gentle with yourself. I hope you let rest count. And I hope your soul stays connected to hope.

As Václav Havel once said:
“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”

I also want to thank you for being here, for reading my words, for allowing me to do what I love professionally, and for trusting that something I share might resonate with you, even just a little.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season!

With love & solidarity,

Jelena

www.coachingwithjelena.com

Why Constant Learning Isn’t Teaching You

A good therapist has never said:
“Here’s a mini course. Watch it instead of a session.”

The world of learning has changed.

Everything is mini.
Bite-sized.
Optimised for speed.

You can learn almost anything online, including confidence, leadership, relationships, emotional intelligence, AI, and even how to “fix” yourself in 10 steps.

And on the surface, that sounds like progress.

And It is, if you’re the one SELLING it.

But I want to talk to the ones who are buying.

When you see a short, affordable course promising more confidence, better relationships, deeper self-love, or professional success, if the price is low enough, you’ll buy it.

Again.
And again.

And again.

Not because you’re naive, but because Shiny Objects Syndrome and FOMO sell very well.

Your brain gets the dopamine hit.
It feels like growth.
Like movement.
Like evolution.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth:

Most of this “learning” produces little to no lasting change in you or your results.

“But I Have So Much Material”… you say.

And you really do. I bet your drive is full of replays, frameworks, best practices, fill-in templates, strategies and notes saved “for later”. Yet you and your behaviour remain intact.

Your brain then tricks you into believing that, the conclusion is obvious:

The course probably wasn’t good enough.

“Oh well. It was only €50. Let me try this one instead,” - you say to yourself.

And then the next.
And the next.

Until one day, a quieter, heavier question appears:

“Why is nothing changing in my life the way I want it to change?”

Ah! Now you are on to something. 

Why indeed? I mean, you HAVE the information.

Because you’re stacking good and generic advice on top of unresolved patterns.

And unresolved patterns don’t dissolve through information.

They dissolve through awareness, relational feedback, emotional processing, and integration, none of which can happen in isolation of a mini whatever.

There’s a reason therapists have therapists.
Coaches have coaches.
Supervisors exist.

We all have blind spots. And we can’t see them on our own.

Have you ever noticed something curious?

A good therapist has never said:
“Here’s a mini course. Watch it instead of a session.”

Think about that.

Learning Isn’t the Problem. Context Is.

I believe deeply in continuous learning when it’s done right.
Some of the most impactful growth experiences are:

• live

• guided

• relational

• held over time

• layered with reflection and application
  

But much of what circulates online, especially around mental health, psychology, and personal growth, is shallow at best and harmful at worst.

It promises transformation without discomfort.
Change without friction.
Depth without time.

And I get it,  because I was the same. I wanted the easy way. The fast way. The cheap way.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

The Cost of Bite-Sized Growth

These mini-modules don’t fail because they’re bad.

They fail because they create the illusion of progress while keeping you exactly where you are.

They make you feel responsible and proactive, while avoiding the deeper work that actually changes your nervous system, your patterns, and your behavior.

So you keep consuming.
And circling.
And wondering why nothing sticks.

You are a complex, unique individual with deeply personal experiences. So stop approaching yourself with shallow shortcuts.

Instead, approach yourself with:

• complexity

• patience

• nuance

• depth
  

Real growth isn’t efficient.
It’s relational.
It’s embodied.
It’s slow enough to be honest.

That’s where things actually start to shift.

With Love & Solidarity,

Jelena

www.coachingwithjelena.com/love-without-fear

Every Relationship is a School in Action

That's where the real relationship begins… with YOU!

There's a specific kind of anxiety that comes with new relationships. This kind keeps you distracted, refreshing your phone, creating stories about what someone else might be doing, occupying a huge chunk of your attention. I know because I lived there for longer than I'd like to admit.

Every relationship has this uncanny ability to bring our deepest fears right to the surface. It's like they hand us a mirror and say, "Here, look at this." And for the longest time, I looked away. I made up stories, projected my insecurities onto other people, and called it "intuition." (It wasn’t)

But something shifted when I made one conscious decision: to look inward instead of outward.

Getting brutally honest with oneself

The first step was the hardest - allowing all those fearful thoughts to actually come through. Not pushing them away, not distracting myself, but sitting with them. Really sitting with them.

"What if they’re also seeing other people?"

"What if I'm not enough?"

"What if this ends like everything else?"

I let them all come. And then I did something different. Instead of making these fears about the other person, I started reframing them toward what I actually wanted.

"I wonder if he's seeing other people" became "I allow myself to have a healthy distance until it feels authentically right."

"What if I'm not good enough?" became "I give myself full permission to focus on what I want from a relationship."

I did this for months. That’s right! Consistency is key. Every time a fearful thought arose, I caught it and rewrote it. Not to gaslight myself or pretend everything was fine, but to reclaim my power from hypothetical scenarios I had zero control over.

And slowly, something remarkable happened. I stopped being reactive. I stopped feeling like I wasn't good enough. I stopped judging myself and the person I was dating.

Every night, I'd meditate on one outcome I wanted. Not about a specific person, but about how I wanted to feel. Secure. Respected. At peace. Desired for who I actually was.

I taught my mind to focus on Me.

A Powerful Lesson

Relationships really are schools in action—if we let them be. They'll bring up everything we've been avoiding about ourselves. And we have a choice: to spiral, or look closer.

One wise night, I chose to look closer. And in doing so, I graduated from some deeply rooted beliefs that were never really mine to begin with.

Maybe your fears are different from mine. But the invitation is the same: To stop focusing your mind on other people, start asking what You actually want and how You can give it to yourself.

That's where the real relationship begins… with YOU!

With Love & Solidarity,

Jelena

www.coachingwithjelena.com/love-without-fear

When Your Career Thrives, but You Don’t

For Women Who’re Winning at Work and Struggling Inside

Recently, I attended a Women’s Circle event organised by Women In Tech. It was brilliant! We talked business, love, health yet one theme kept coming up:

High-functioning anxiety in high-functioning women.

It’s when you lead, deliver, manage, support everyone…
while internally battling chronic stress, overthinking, emotional exhaustion, imposter syndrome and a constant need to prove yourself.

You look “fine,” but you don't feel fine.

And I know this world far too well.

I trained & coached wonderful teams, worked with excellent managers, met big CEOs, was hired by Irish musicians, designers, published in newspapers & magazines, while in my personal life, I was insecure and crippling.

My emotions ran the show.
My body was breaking down long before I admitted anything was wrong.
When your inner world is ruled by fear, your brain minimises you and your achievements. So despite success on the outside, you remain feeling small.

That’s what high-functioning anxiety does to you, it keeps you performing and shrinking at the same time. I learned to cry in the morning, perform all day, fall apart at night and repeat.
And somehow, despite insomnia, anxiety, and emotional burnout… I still kept delivering and even being promoted. Because honestly? I loved what I do.

But inside, all the unaddressed and unchanged patterns were dissociating me from my own life.

Talking therapies helped me understand my pain. But they didn’t shift me into safety in the present.

That came later, through deeper identity work, nervous system science, and the kind of support I now offer.

So today, I want to give you a simple but powerful exercise to reconnect with yourself and get real:

1. Write down 5 achievements you’re genuinely proud of.
2. For each, remember how you actually felt at the time.
Rate it from 1–10 (1 = numb, 10 = deeply fulfilled).
3. If any score is below 10 or 9, ask:
“What made it hard to fully receive this?”
Write down the first sentence that comes up, without censoring it.

This reveals your internal limits: the beliefs that block joy, self-worth beliefs, dissociating anxiety etc.
4. Now write 5 things you want to achieve next, in work and in life.
5. Circle the ONE that would make the biggest difference right now.
And finally:
6. Ask - what identity would I need to embody to make this possible?
7. What are you responsible for here?

Because real success is never just strategy.

It’s identity.
It’s safety.
It’s a regulated nervous system.
It’s an inner world that CAN HANDLE the life you’re building.

If this resonates with you, sign up for my blog and newsletter below. I’d love to have you💛



With love & solidarity,
Jelena

From Overthinking Mind to Calm Presence: The Science of Brain Training

Over-thinking mind puts you in a state of duality

Hi dear friend!

Have you ever started folding laundry and somehow ended up mentally replaying that awkward thing you said two weeks ago at? Or maybe you’re in the middle of a meeting, and instead of focusing, you’re suddenly planning your dream vacation to Bali (complete with imaginary coconuts). If that sounds familiar, you’ve met the Default Mode Network (DMN) of your brain, or how I like to call it - a Daydreaming Diva. 

This is a fascinating part of your brain responsible for all those wandering, "off-task" thoughts. And it’s your default mode of operating in the world.

The DMN is like the brain’s screensaver. It kicks in when you’re not actively engaged in a task—when your mind is idling, daydreaming, or reminiscing about the past.  While it might sound like the DMN is slacking off, it actually plays a significant role in self-reflection, creativity, and memory consolidation. However, there’s a catch: an overactive DMN can sabotage not just your productivity but your mental well-being.

Here’s the thing about the DMN: it’s not just about harmless daydreams. When it’s left unchecked, this Daydreaming Diva loves to play reruns of your greatest anxieties, regrets, and self-doubt-filled episodes. We have all spiraled into a loop of "Why did I do that?" or "What if this goes wrong?" . You can thank your DMN for that.

Neuroscientific fMRI research shows that an overactive DMN is linked to conditions like anxiety, depression, and even burnout. Why? Because instead of living in the here and now, you’re mentally stuck in either the past ("That time when things went wrong") or the future ("What if things go wrong again?"). It’s the mental equivalent of running on a treadmill—you’re expending a ton of energy but going absolutely nowhere.

Is there a solution? Of course there is! Let me introduce the hero of this story: the Task-Focused Brain (also known as the Task-Positive Network, or TPN). Unlike the DMN, which thrives on idle wanderings, the TPN activates when you’re laser-focused on a specific task - whether that’s being in mental gym (more about that below) solving a problem, learning something new, or writing a to-do list (and actually sticking to it).

Think of the TPN as your brain’s project manager. It helps you:

Stay present and engaged in the moment.

Solve problems with clarity and efficiency.

Avoid the mental clutter of overthinking.

Make you feel at peace and calm

When the TPN is active, it quiets the DMN. This is why activities like sensation focused mental gym, breath meditation, deep work, or even playing a sport can feel so satisfying—your brain has shifted gears from "What if?" to "The present moment is actually peaceful and enjoyable".

There is only one caveat. Your TPN is not your default, meaning that there is a power struggle going on and most times, DMN wins. But there is a way to balance the forces and that is to train your TPN part of the brain.

Why Train Your Task-Positive Network Brain?

Think of the DMN and TPN as two muscles. The DMN within us tends to be over-trained because it’s where we spend most of our time. So to counter act the DMN we have to train our TPN muscle more and do it repeatedly. Repetition is key! 

Training your TPN has huge benefits, including:

Increased Productivity:

With a stronger TPN, you can focus longer and accomplish more without the constant interruptions of DMN-induced daydreaming.

Improved Mental Health:

Less time spiraling into overthinking means less anxiety and more emotional balance.

Sharper Problem-Solving Skills:

A well-trained TPN helps you think clearly and creatively in the face of challenges.

Living in the Moment:

When your TPN takes the wheel, you’re more present—whether that’s enjoying dinner with friends or focusing on a hobby you love.

How to train the TPN? 

There are multiple things that you can do and the best part is that unlike your regular gym, these are easy! Here are some science-backed ways:

Mental Focused Reps: The Ultimate TPN energizer.

Research on hundreds of thousands of participants showed that short, 10 to 20 seconds focused mental reps, which done every day, activate TPN faster than just sitting in silence with your eyes closed.

How can you do it?

Focus your mind on a physical sensation in your body and give it all your attention for 10 to 20 seconds (about 3 to 5 full breaths). This can be you focusing on a touch, by rubbing two fingers together; it can be focusing on sounds around you; focusing on your breath; or really noticing shapes and ornaments of objects and things. If you can do these reps multiple times throughout the day, the progress will follow even quicker.

You may think “How come 10 seconds can make a difference?”. I can explain with some help from neuroscience. 

Your brain is made up of neurons. When a signal travels down a neuron, it results in activation of other neurons based on synapses that connect neurons. But there are multiple choices for which direction the signal would travel. The question is which neuron will be activated. Every time a neuron activates another neuron, they become more closely wired together, making it more likely that the signal will go in that direction the next time around. This constitutes a “neural pathway”. - (Positive Intelligence Journal). This is how a repeated action becomes an automatic habit. So if we continuously interrupt our DMN network with just 10-second reps technique we can pause and choose our next actions from a Task Positive Brain Network and that is where your possibility thinking, your authenticity and your curiosity reside.

Please remember that you need to do these little reps DAILY to make Task Positive Brain Network stronger! This is very important.

Engage in Flow Activities:

Activities that immerse you completely (like painting, playing music, or running) activate the TPN and give your DMN a break.

Take Breaks:

Paradoxically, giving your brain short breaks helps keep the TPN fresh and engaged. Try the Pomodoro technique (25 minutes of focused work followed by a 10-minute break).

While the DMN gets a bad rep for its tendency to wander into overthinking, it’s not all bad. It’s essential for self-reflection and processing memories and even creativity. The goal isn’t to silence your DMN completely but to strike a balance, that will result in a calmer, more engaged you.

It’s also not about forcing productivity but about reclaiming control over where your mind spends its time. With practice, you’ll be able to shift gears effortlessly—turning down the volume on mental chatter and turning up the clarity on what matters most. 

I am here to help and guide you even deeper into your Task Positive Network.

With love & solidarity,

Jelena

Can You Really Let Go of Your Fears?

Just Let It Go! and other pointless advise

“Let it go!”

If you’ve ever heard that phrase… you probably know the rage that rises when someone says it. As if letting go is a button. As if you haven’t already tried.

For decades, my life looked like a movie I would not have auditioned for.

My fiancé disappeared.

Then he ended up in prison.

I spent four years in excruciating pain waiting for surgery, practically living in hospitals.

Someone I loved drowned at 31.

I battled insomnia so brutal that I developed PTSD, depression and anxiety from it.

I was fired, misjudged, mislabeled, misunderstood and misdiagnosed. 

All before even turning 35.

For a long time, I carried my pain like proof that life was hard, that I was fragile, that the universe somehow owed me. And yes, I pitied myself. Yes, some days I felt like a victim. And honestly? That was human.

Later, I learned I have some neorodivergent tendencies, but definitely High Sensitivity — which means I feel everything deeply, process all information intensely, and perhaps a little too fully. That notion brought better understanding, but still, no healing.

Can you really let go of fear and old pain?

Or does it live in you forever?

Here’s what I know after trying CBT, therapy, hypnotherapy, breathwork, meditation, acupuncture, reiki, somatic healing, sound baths (I research like a scientist 😅), coaching, thought-work… all of it.

You can let go of your pain and fear.
And you must.
Because if you don’t, it doesn’t just stay inside you - it spreads.

Unprocessed pain sneaks into your relationships. It weighs on your health. It shapes your choices. It distances you from the people you love. It becomes part of your identity, even when you desperately want to grow past it.

But doing it alone? Nah. I don’t think I could have. And I don’t think most people can.

I do a combination of things: I meditate, I journal, I sit with my feelings in silence and allow myself to feel whatever comes. I had a lot of pittiness, sadness, fear. I allowed it because I needed to know what I was working with. And then I brought this in conversations with my coach.

Even now, as a certified coach myself who helps others rebuild trust and confidence after heartbreak and loss, I still work with a coach. Because knowing the path is not the same as walking it. I have a guide I trust and it makes me a better guide to others.

That’s me. You might be different.

If one hypnotherapy session cures you — please send me their number, because I’m jealous 😂

But here’s what I want you to remember: Healing is not a standalone event; it is a relationship with yourself that takes time to build.

If anything in this post reflected even a small part of your story, I’d genuinely love to hear from you. Not to sell you anything. Just to connect. Healing is not meant to happen in isolation.

With love & solidarity,

Jelena

Ireland, love, and a decision that changed everything

It takes me back to Christmas 2009,

when I first set foot on Irish soil — unaware that I was stepping into my own kind of Narnia

Hi lovely,

This week I’m visiting my second home - Ireland. 

This post is dedicated to this emerald island, but it’s not just about a place; rather, it is about love, loss, and the kind of relationship that changes you forever. The kind that breaks you open just enough to let the light in.

I came to Ireland years and years ago, with someone who is no longer in this world but who shaped mine in ways I could never have imagined. I became Irish, for goodness’ sake, something that would have never happened without him.

As I walk the familiar streets of Dublin, I feel his presence everywhere. It takes me back to Christmas 2009, when I first set foot on Irish soil — unaware that I was stepping into my own kind of Narnia, full of charm, magic, and life-changing moments.

He was the reason I got on that plane. He was the one who showed me love that was beautiful and difficult and worth every heartbeat. And even though he’s gone, a part of me still wishes to talk, to laugh, to say thank you for turning my life upside down and forcing me to choose between breaking and rising. 

I share this because I know many of you carry a place inside that feels like that - a space where nothing grows, yet somehow everything does.

After a loss (either by choice or by fate), we want to protect ourselves from the pain, but in doing so, we also prevent joy, new love, and new opportunities. 

That chapter, that person, even though we parted ways in love before we parted ways in dimensions - he opened the door for me, inspired me, to embark on a journey to a different life. A life to be more. More interesting, more wise, more loving, more courageous, more feeling, just more. 

And it’s what led me to the work I do now: standing beside women who also want to heal, love again, and live more fully after life has changed them.

And if you knew me back in 2016, I understand how surprised you are. Back then, I also didn’t think a better way was actually possible. And yet, here I am.

That’s what healing is -  allowing the experiences of the past to grow something new within you.

“In the shelter of each other, we live.” — Irish proverb

With love & solidarity,
Jelena
https://www.coachingwithjelena.com/love-without-fear