How to Know What You Want?

What do I want?…

Hi dears!

You know that I don't write often, but when I do, it's because I have something valuable to share with you.

And this is why today I wanted to share with you why people can’t answer the question

“How To Know What I Want?”

In my practice, this question comes up quite a lot. People come to me trying to figure out what is it, that they actually want in life. And it's such a beautiful space to be in with a client while we are unpacking that. 

And I see that people really struggle to find the answer. 

When someone says: “I don’t know what I want”

and we actually start exploring it with them… we realise that they really believe that.

As if there’s just no answer inside.

There is no feeling. No desire.

But that’s not exactly what’s happening. What’s actually going on is something else.

On a subconscious level, the person is trying to decide:

What is possible for them, and what is not.

And everything comes down to one thing:

What they believe.

And this is where it gets interesting.

Because very often, the question “what do you want?”  isn’t even perceived as a real question.

I often hear things like:

“That’s a first-world question”

“That’s for people who don’t have real problems”

“That’s not for me”

And if you really look at it, there’s one belief underneath all of that:

“There are people who get to want things like this. But I’m not one of them.”

And then the question doesn’t even appear in your head.

Or if it does, it creates a kind of freeze.

Like you’ve just been asked to solve a nuclear physics equation and you don’t even know where to begin.

And yet, if I ask something simple, like:

“Do you want white or dark chocolate?”- that you can answer instantly.

Because it feels possible.

You can see it right in front of you.

But the moment we start talking about something you can’t yet touch or clearly imagine…

it becomes difficult.

Because you can’t see yourself in that reality.

You can’t quite believe it’s FOR YOU.

And then the brain does something very efficient:

It removes it from the list of options.

So when you say:

“I don’t know what I want”

very often, what it actually means is:

 “I don’t believe I can get this.”

And here’s the important part. These beliefs don’t feel like beliefs.

They feel like facts.

You believe them the same way you believe you can walk if your body is healthy.

You don’t question them.

You live from them.

So then the deeper question is:

“What do I believe about myself, my life, and what’s possible for me?”

Because to understand what you truly want…

you don’t need to force an answer.

You need to remove what’s blocking it.

And that’s a very different kind of work.

“This is just how life is” is rarely a fact.

“Normal” isn’t reality - it’s conditioning.

“This is just how life is” is rarely a fact.

More often, it’s a belief we absorbed from an environment that didn’t have the capacity for more. At some point, “being realistic” quietly became a very polite form of self-betrayal.

When struggle is normalised around you, i.e., being underpaid, overworked & quietly resentful, dreaming bigger starts to feel irresponsible. Naive. Delusional. Even selfish.

So you become practical.

Lower expectations.

Learn to want less.

All because that’s what feels… ahem…normal.

And yet “normal” isn’t reality - it’s conditioning. I cannot stress this point enough!

This is why doing something outside of your norm often comes with discomfort. You feel like an impostor. Like you are not supposed to be doing this.

Your nervous system is wired to protect what feels familiar, not what’s objectively safe or good for you.

When you move outside that familiarity, your body can interpret change as a threat, activating stress responses such as adrenaline and cortisol.

This response, primarily, is generated by your thoughts. There is a conflict between what you were told is possible and what you want to be possible.

That’s why change often feels very uncomfortable before it feels empowering. And this is why having someone who can help you go through this discomfort is so important.

Once you begin to notice the beliefs underlying your behavior, you regain choice. And choice is where real change happens.

Not overnight, of course. And not through motivation alone. But through awareness, honesty, and learning to lead your life by leading your thoughts.

So I’m curious:

What’s one belief about life, your abilities, or success that you’ve never actually questioned?

With love & solidarity,

Jelena | Your Coach

P.S. If your first reaction was “blah blah self-work again,” that reaction might be worth getting curious about ;)