Before the year ends… a short note

Photo: My dad & I

It’s that time of the year again…

The streets are glistening with lights, the air smells like pine and mulled wine, Mariah Carey is doing her annual service to humanity and whether you’re officially working or not, deadlines feel less important.

It’s also the season when every second post invites you to reflect on the year and plan how to do next year better, faster, wiser.

I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I want to share a small piece of what this time means to me.

I’ve always loved Christmas, even though I’m not religious in the traditional sense. I love the stillness of the night on the 24th, how the world seems to pause. When I lived in Dublin, I remember gathering on Grafton Street for a not-so-secret mini concert with the biggest voices like Bono, Glen Hansard, Damien Rice, all singing together before everyone rushed home, knowing public transport would stop for the next 48 hours.

And yet, this time is also bittersweet for me.

I lost my mum just after Christmas in 2023-2024, and this season makes me miss her deeply. So every year, I fly home to spend a few quiet weeks with my dad. To be grateful for another chance to sit together. To remember where I come from. To feel how magical my life has turned out to be despite it all.

I slow down.
I read the books my father reads.
I read the books my mother once loved.
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.
I focus on gratitude, kindness, and connection.

That’s what restores me.

So whatever this season looks like for you - joyful, quiet, overwhelming- I hope you are gentle with yourself. I hope you let rest count. And I hope your soul stays connected to hope.

As Václav Havel once said:
“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”

I also want to thank you for being here, for reading my words, for allowing me to do what I love professionally, and for trusting that something I share might resonate with you, even just a little.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season!

With love & solidarity,

Jelena

www.coachingwithjelena.com

From Overthinking Mind to Calm Presence: The Science of Brain Training

Overthinking, anxious mind puts you in a state of duality

Hi dear friend!

Have you ever started folding laundry and somehow ended up mentally replaying that awkward thing you said two weeks ago at? Or maybe you’re in the middle of a meeting, and instead of focusing, you’re suddenly planning your dream vacation to Bali (complete with imaginary coconuts). If that sounds familiar, you’ve met the Default Mode Network (DMN) of your brain, or how I like to call it - a Daydreaming Diva. 

This is a fascinating part of your brain responsible for all those wandering, "off-task" thoughts. And it’s your default mode of operating in the world.

The DMN is like the brain’s screensaver. It kicks in when you’re not actively engaged in a task—when your mind is idling, daydreaming, or reminiscing about the past.  While it might sound like the DMN is slacking off, it actually plays a significant role in self-reflection, creativity, and memory consolidation. However, there’s a catch: an overactive DMN can sabotage not just your productivity but your mental well-being.

Here’s the thing about the DMN: it’s not just about harmless daydreams. When it’s left unchecked, this Daydreaming Diva loves to play reruns of your greatest anxieties, regrets, and self-doubt-filled episodes. We have all spiraled into a loop of "Why did I do that?" or "What if this goes wrong?" . You can thank your DMN for that.

Neuroscientific fMRI research shows that an overactive DMN is linked to conditions like anxiety, depression, and even burnout. Why? Because instead of living in the here and now, you’re mentally stuck in either the past ("That time when things went wrong") or the future ("What if things go wrong again?"). It’s the mental equivalent of running on a treadmill—you’re expending a ton of energy but going absolutely nowhere.

Is there a solution? Of course there is! Let me introduce the hero of this story: the Task-Focused Brain (also known as the Task-Positive Network, or TPN). Unlike the DMN, which thrives on idle wanderings, the TPN activates when you’re laser-focused on a specific task - whether that’s being in mental gym (more about that below) solving a problem, learning something new, or writing a to-do list (and actually sticking to it).

Think of the TPN as your brain’s project manager. It helps you:

Stay present and engaged in the moment.

Solve problems with clarity and efficiency.

Avoid the mental clutter of overthinking.

Make you feel at peace and calm

When the TPN is active, it quiets the DMN. This is why activities like sensation focused mental gym, breath meditation, deep work, or even playing a sport can feel so satisfying—your brain has shifted gears from "What if?" to "The present moment is actually peaceful and enjoyable".

There is only one caveat. Your TPN is not your default, meaning that there is a power struggle going on and most times, DMN wins. But there is a way to balance the forces and that is to train your TPN part of the brain.

Why Train Your Task-Positive Network Brain?

Think of the DMN and TPN as two muscles. The DMN within us tends to be over-trained because it’s where we spend most of our time. So to counter act the DMN we have to train our TPN muscle more and do it repeatedly. Repetition is key! 

Training your TPN has huge benefits, including:

Increased Productivity:

With a stronger TPN, you can focus longer and accomplish more without the constant interruptions of DMN-induced daydreaming.

Improved Mental Health:

Less time spiraling into overthinking means less anxiety and more emotional balance.

Sharper Problem-Solving Skills:

A well-trained TPN helps you think clearly and creatively in the face of challenges.

Living in the Moment:

When your TPN takes the wheel, you’re more present—whether that’s enjoying dinner with friends or focusing on a hobby you love.

How to train the TPN? 

There are multiple things that you can do and the best part is that unlike your regular gym, these are easy! Here are some science-backed ways:

Mental Focused Reps: The Ultimate TPN energizer.

Research on hundreds of thousands of participants showed that short, 10 to 20 seconds focused mental reps, which done every day, activate TPN faster than just sitting in silence with your eyes closed.

How can you do it?

Focus your mind on a physical sensation in your body and give it all your attention for 10 to 20 seconds (about 3 to 5 full breaths). This can be you focusing on a touch, by rubbing two fingers together; it can be focusing on sounds around you; focusing on your breath; or really noticing shapes and ornaments of objects and things. If you can do these reps multiple times throughout the day, the progress will follow even quicker.

You may think “How come 10 seconds can make a difference?”. I can explain with some help from neuroscience. 

Your brain is made up of neurons. When a signal travels down a neuron, it results in activation of other neurons based on synapses that connect neurons. But there are multiple choices for which direction the signal would travel. The question is which neuron will be activated. Every time a neuron activates another neuron, they become more closely wired together, making it more likely that the signal will go in that direction the next time around. This constitutes a “neural pathway”. - (Positive Intelligence Journal). This is how a repeated action becomes an automatic habit. So if we continuously interrupt our DMN network with just 10-second reps technique we can pause and choose our next actions from a Task Positive Brain Network and that is where your possibility thinking, your authenticity and your curiosity reside.

Please remember that you need to do these little reps DAILY to make Task Positive Brain Network stronger! This is very important.

Engage in Flow Activities:

Activities that immerse you completely (like painting, playing music, or running) activate the TPN and give your DMN a break.

Take Breaks:

Paradoxically, giving your brain short breaks helps keep the TPN fresh and engaged. Try the Pomodoro technique (25 minutes of focused work followed by a 10-minute break).

While the DMN gets a bad rep for its tendency to wander into overthinking, it’s not all bad. It’s essential for self-reflection and processing memories and even creativity. The goal isn’t to silence your DMN completely but to strike a balance, that will result in a calmer, more engaged you.

It’s also not about forcing productivity but about reclaiming control over where your mind spends its time. With practice, you’ll be able to shift gears effortlessly—turning down the volume on mental chatter and turning up the clarity on what matters most. 

I am here to help and guide you even deeper into your Task Positive Network.

With love & solidarity,

Jelena

Can You Really Let Go of Your Fears?

Just Let It Go! and other pointless advise

“Let it go!”

If you’ve ever heard that phrase… you probably know the rage that rises when someone says it. As if letting go is a button. As if you haven’t already tried.

For decades, my life looked like a movie I would not have auditioned for.

My fiancé disappeared.

Then he ended up in prison.

I spent four years in excruciating pain waiting for surgery, practically living in hospitals.

Someone I loved drowned at 31.

I battled insomnia so brutal that I developed PTSD, depression and anxiety from it.

I was fired, misjudged, mislabeled, misunderstood and misdiagnosed. 

All before even turning 35.

For a long time, I carried my pain like proof that life was hard, that I was fragile, that the universe somehow owed me. And yes, I pitied myself. Yes, some days I felt like a victim. And honestly? That was human.

Later, I learned I have some neorodivergent tendencies, but definitely High Sensitivity — which means I feel everything deeply, process all information intensely, and perhaps a little too fully. That notion brought better understanding, but still, no healing.

Can you really let go of fear and old pain?

Or does it live in you forever?

Here’s what I know after trying CBT, therapy, hypnotherapy, breathwork, meditation, acupuncture, reiki, somatic healing, sound baths (I research like a scientist 😅), coaching, thought-work… all of it.

You can let go of your pain and fear.
And you must.
Because if you don’t, it doesn’t just stay inside you - it spreads.

Unprocessed pain sneaks into your relationships. It weighs on your health. It shapes your choices. It distances you from the people you love. It becomes part of your identity, even when you desperately want to grow past it.

But doing it alone? Nah. I don’t think I could have. And I don’t think most people can.

I do a combination of things: I meditate, I journal, I sit with my feelings in silence and allow myself to feel whatever comes. I had a lot of pittiness, sadness, fear. I allowed it because I needed to know what I was working with. And then I brought this in conversations with my coach.

Even now, as a certified coach myself who helps others rebuild trust and confidence after heartbreak and loss, I still work with a coach. Because knowing the path is not the same as walking it. I have a guide I trust and it makes me a better guide to others.

That’s me. You might be different.

If one hypnotherapy session cures you — please send me their number, because I’m jealous 😂

But here’s what I want you to remember: Healing is not a standalone event; it is a relationship with yourself that takes time to build.

If anything in this post reflected even a small part of your story, I’d genuinely love to hear from you. Not to sell you anything. Just to connect. Healing is not meant to happen in isolation.

With love & solidarity,

Jelena