How to Know What You Want?
Struggling to figure out what you really want in life? Discover why it’s not a lack of clarity and how to access your true desires.
What do I want?…
Hi dears!
You know that I don't write often, but when I do, it's because I have something valuable to share with you.
And this is why today I wanted to share with you why people can’t answer the question
“How To Know What I Want?”
In my practice, this question comes up quite a lot. People come to me trying to figure out what is it, that they actually want in life. And it's such a beautiful space to be in with a client while we are unpacking that.
And I see that people really struggle to find the answer.
When someone says: “I don’t know what I want”
and we actually start exploring it with them… we realise that they really believe that.
As if there’s just no answer inside.
There is no feeling. No desire.
But that’s not exactly what’s happening. What’s actually going on is something else.
On a subconscious level, the person is trying to decide:
What is possible for them, and what is not.
And everything comes down to one thing:
What they believe.
And this is where it gets interesting.
Because very often, the question “what do you want?” isn’t even perceived as a real question.
I often hear things like:
“That’s a first-world question”
“That’s for people who don’t have real problems”
“That’s not for me”
And if you really look at it, there’s one belief underneath all of that:
“There are people who get to want things like this. But I’m not one of them.”
And then the question doesn’t even appear in your head.
Or if it does, it creates a kind of freeze.
Like you’ve just been asked to solve a nuclear physics equation and you don’t even know where to begin.
And yet, if I ask something simple, like:
“Do you want white or dark chocolate?”- that you can answer instantly.
Because it feels possible.
You can see it right in front of you.
But the moment we start talking about something you can’t yet touch or clearly imagine…
it becomes difficult.
Because you can’t see yourself in that reality.
You can’t quite believe it’s FOR YOU.
And then the brain does something very efficient:
It removes it from the list of options.
So when you say:
“I don’t know what I want”
very often, what it actually means is:
“I don’t believe I can get this.”
And here’s the important part. These beliefs don’t feel like beliefs.
They feel like facts.
You believe them the same way you believe you can walk if your body is healthy.
You don’t question them.
You live from them.
So then the deeper question is:
“What do I believe about myself, my life, and what’s possible for me?”
Because to understand what you truly want…
you don’t need to force an answer.
You need to remove what’s blocking it.
And that’s a very different kind of work.
Why Constant Learning Isn’t Teaching You
A good therapist has never said:
“Here’s a mini course. Watch it instead of a session.”
The world of learning has changed.
Everything is mini.
Bite-sized.
Optimised for speed.
You can learn almost anything online, including confidence, leadership, relationships, emotional intelligence, AI, and even how to “fix” yourself in 10 steps.
And on the surface, that sounds like progress.
And It is, if you’re the one SELLING it.
But I want to talk to the ones who are buying.
When you see a short, affordable course promising more confidence, better relationships, deeper self-love, or professional success, if the price is low enough, you’ll buy it.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Not because you’re naive, but because Shiny Objects Syndrome and FOMO sell very well.
Your brain gets the dopamine hit.
It feels like growth.
Like movement.
Like evolution.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Most of this “learning” produces little to no lasting change in you or your results.
“But I Have So Much Material”… you say.
And you really do. I bet your drive is full of replays, frameworks, best practices, fill-in templates, strategies and notes saved “for later”. Yet you and your behaviour remain intact.
Your brain then tricks you into believing that, the conclusion is obvious:
The course probably wasn’t good enough.
“Oh well. It was only €50. Let me try this one instead,” - you say to yourself.
And then the next.
And the next.
Until one day, a quieter, heavier question appears:
“Why is nothing changing in my life the way I want it to change?”
Ah! Now you are on to something.
Why indeed? I mean, you HAVE the information.
Because you’re stacking good and generic advice on top of unresolved patterns.
And unresolved patterns don’t dissolve through information.
They dissolve through awareness, relational feedback, emotional processing, and integration, none of which can happen in isolation of a mini whatever.
There’s a reason therapists have therapists.
Coaches have coaches.
Supervisors exist.
We all have blind spots. And we can’t see them on our own.
Have you ever noticed something curious?
A good therapist has never said:
“Here’s a mini course. Watch it instead of a session.”
Think about that.
Learning Isn’t the Problem. Context Is.
I believe deeply in continuous learning when it’s done right.
Some of the most impactful growth experiences are:
live
guided
relational
held over time
layered with reflection and application
But much of what circulates online, especially around mental health, psychology, and personal growth, is shallow at best and harmful at worst.
It promises transformation without discomfort.
Change without friction.
Depth without time.
And I get it, because I was the same. I wanted the easy way. The fast way. The cheap way.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
The Cost of Bite-Sized Growth
These mini-modules don’t fail because they’re bad.
They fail because they create the illusion of progress while keeping you exactly where you are.
They make you feel responsible and proactive, while avoiding the deeper work that actually changes your nervous system, your patterns, and your behavior.
So you keep consuming.
And circling.
And wondering why nothing sticks.
You are a complex, unique individual with deeply personal experiences. So stop approaching yourself with shallow shortcuts.
Instead, approach yourself with:
complexity
patience
nuance
depth
Real growth isn’t efficient.
It’s relational.
It’s embodied.
It’s slow enough to be honest.
That’s where things actually start to shift.
With Love & Solidarity,
Jelena