"Your character is your limitation (wait, what?)"

My close friend Ksenia gave me an amazing compliment. She said I'm "like an open book written in an unknown language."

I laughed, of course. I knew exactly what she meant.

Even when she thinks she knows me well, I surprise her in ways she doesn't expect. I'm unpredictable. And that I am.

For example: I hate violence, avoid movies that show it, and yet one of my favorite games is Mortal Kombat. (I have no problem kicking ass as Noob Saibot, thank you very much.)

I'm deeply social and love being around people, yet the idea of going to a pub with coworkers on a Friday just to sit for hours? Draining.

The list of my seemingly opposite preferences is long for me.

This contradiction brings me to something I heard years ago that shifted how I see personal growth:

Your character is your limitation.

I know, I know. We all grew up hearing that having a strong character is a virtue. That not having one makes you a 🐈. I wanted an explanation too!

So where does this idea come from?

This principle is borrowed from cybernetics and systems theory, which states: The element with the greatest flexibility controls the system.

In simpler terms? Whoever has more behavioral flexibility has more influence and more success.

But what does this have to do with character?

I like to think of character the way Lao Tzu did:

"Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

This beautifully describes how thinking the same thoughts makes you act the same way (habit), and how that creates certain inflexibility (character) that, in turn, creates your results in life.

In practice you say things like:

• "I can't just leave, I'm not that kind of person." (Anxious Attachment)

• "I can't speak up, I'm too shy." (Self-Doubt)

• "I can’t just say No. That’s rude" (People Pleasing)

Every "excuse" is a signal of lost flexibility. A fixation on a set character.

Think about it:

In relationships, the partner who can regulate their nervous system, shift perspective, soften their stance, and adjust their communication style will influence the dynamic more than the partner who clings to being right.

In leadership, the manager who can move fluidly between firmness and empathy, structure and openness, will outperform the one who hides behind a strictly defined character.

In life, the person who can adapt their response by having control of it, rather than defaulting to the same pattern every time, has more freedom and hence options.

A strong character may look impressive from the outside.

But true strength is the ability to choose your response.

True power is having a wide range of behaviors available to you and the ability to select the right one for the moment.

The role of therapy or coaching, then, is not to change who you are.

It's to increase your range.

To widen your behavioral options.

To enrich you.

To help you outgrow old strategies that no longer serve the life you want to build.

And I’ll leave you with these two questions:

What are the things you feel most inflexible about?

What results does that inflexibility bring into your life?

With Love & Solidarity,

Jelena

www.coachingwithjelena.com

Before the year ends… a short note

Photo: My dad & I

It’s that time of the year again…

The streets are glistening with lights, the air smells like pine and mulled wine, Mariah Carey is doing her annual service to humanity and whether you’re officially working or not, deadlines feel less important.

It’s also the season when every second post invites you to reflect on the year and plan how to do next year better, faster, wiser.

I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I want to share a small piece of what this time means to me.

I’ve always loved Christmas, even though I’m not religious in the traditional sense. I love the stillness of the night on the 24th, how the world seems to pause. When I lived in Dublin, I remember gathering on Grafton Street for a not-so-secret mini concert with the biggest voices like Bono, Glen Hansard, Damien Rice, all singing together before everyone rushed home, knowing public transport would stop for the next 48 hours.

And yet, this time is also bittersweet for me.

I lost my mum just after Christmas in 2023-2024, and this season makes me miss her deeply. So every year, I fly home to spend a few quiet weeks with my dad. To be grateful for another chance to sit together. To remember where I come from. To feel how magical my life has turned out to be despite it all.

I slow down.
I read the books my father reads.
I read the books my mother once loved.
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.
I focus on gratitude, kindness, and connection.

That’s what restores me.

So whatever this season looks like for you - joyful, quiet, overwhelming- I hope you are gentle with yourself. I hope you let rest count. And I hope your soul stays connected to hope.

As Václav Havel once said:
“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”

I also want to thank you for being here, for reading my words, for allowing me to do what I love professionally, and for trusting that something I share might resonate with you, even just a little.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season!

With love & solidarity,

Jelena

www.coachingwithjelena.com